A Daughter's Grief

Would you be proud of me?
Would you still tell me that you love me?
If you knew who I've become
Would you still lay claim to me?
I feel like I was never worthy
I was the one who pushed you
I was the one who made you sick.
That's what I feel  sometimes
When I think of all you've missed.
You were there for my first steps
You heard my first words.
You took me to school on the first day
And I didn't cry then.
I knew I would come home to you.
But If I'd known back then
That you wouldn't see me graduate
I would have cried everyday
When I said goodbye to you.

I wish we'd had more time.
I wish we'd made more memories.
I remember what you look like.
I remember the sound of your voice.
I feel like I've failed you
I should remember more.

There is one memory I've held on to
That I promise to keep safe.
It's one of you carrying me.
I was on top of the world
Up on top of your shoulders.
I don't remember the time of day
But I know it was twilight
I remember the most beautiful colours
Swirling around in the sky
The purples and blues and oranges and pinks.
It's no wonder that I love purple
Or that twilight is my favourite time.
When I think of being on your shoulders
My tears go away and I feel safe.
I feel that I can do anything.

I promise I'll be a good girl.
I'll make you proud of me.
I'll be as kind and brave as you.
I will make the world better somehow.
I'll walk in your footsteps
I'll be the daughter you deserved.
I love you daddy.